Lying in wait
 
last night I dreamed
I came across a crocodile
that could have been an alligator
lying on the upstairs landing
reptilian eyes wide open at my arrival
as if he'd been expecting me
 
and although his tail was strangely stubby
his body...
his body was made of solid reptilian meat
wrapped in thickest reptilian skin
 
and even though I felt that he was fundamentally mine
it was my brother who managed somehow
(I couldn’t watch)
to bundle him up into the loft
and shut the loft door behind him
 
thus buying this anxious younger brother
some breathing space and time
 
when I woke from this dream
still fuzzy with sleep
a wild and shocking dread exploded through my veins
caused by the realisation
of two simultaneous things:
 
while that was just a dream
right now there really is an alligator-crocodile upstairs
 
real solid reptilian meat
wrapped in real thick reptilian skin
flexing the roof joists
threatening the ceilings
 
demanding my attention
 
and I know that if I leave him up there
he will surely die of heat
but if I somehow manage to let him out
I really don’t know if he will kill me
or thank me
or something alligator-crocodile else
 
what the fuck do you do when there’s a real live alligator-crocodile
imprisoned in your roof?
 
what if he’s lying up there in ever so patient reptilian wait
fully aware of my every emotion
fully aware of my every move?
 
later
over breakfast
as I recalled both the dream
and the dream within the dream
I realise
this time with fundamental excitement
rather than fundamental dread
that there really is
an alligator-crocodile
living in my loft
 
lying in wait
 
demanding
inviting
inciting
my very careful attention