Bloomin' immigrants!
for Hugh & with a nod to Stewart Lee


Bloomin' Middle Pleistocene horses
coming over here
dawdling across Doggerland
without any visas

Bloomin' Mesolithic dogs
coming over here
cocking their legs on our native trees
crapping all over the place

Bloomin' Neolithic pigs
coming over here
with their alien oinks
never bothering to learn the local lingo

Bloomin' Celtic hares
coming over here
with their weird bloody ears
and their strange pagan customs

Bloomin' Roman pheasants
coming over here
with their bright red faces
and unintelligible squawks

Bloomin' Norman rabbits
coming over here
scrounging off our meadows
breeding like…
breeding like
the state will provide for them

Bloomin' Medieval peacocks
coming over here
with all their flash foreign finery
scaring all the local sparrows

Bloomin' Victorian wallabies
coming over here
bouncing around like they own the place
never paying any taxes

Bloomin' post-war parakeets
coming over here
with their unnatural beaks
refusing to blend in
swamping our suburbs

Bloomin' immigrants!

Soon there won’t be any room at all
for us original, indigenous
unicorns and lions