The prodigal son returns
Having blown the portion
of the family fortune
that my father so generously entrusted to me
and
with next to nothing to show for my carefree and
careless prodigality
I fell
even deeper
into a life of debt and
distraction and denial
sinking lower and lower
into a mire
entirely of my
own wounded making
unable to admit
to myself
let alone others
just how-damn-lost I was
unable to ask for help
as if asking for help is a
deep and shameful sin
until one morning
I woke
inside a hot and muddy pigsty of desperation and panic the chaos
of my failed dreams stuck like cold ashes
to my teeth and tongue and palate and gums
and yet
also
with a warm and generous old sow
nuzzling and grunting into my sun-burnt ear
tender sounds which in my madness
I somehow understood
loud and clear
return to your father you beautiful smelly broken human being she said
he misses you like crazy
“Are you sure?” I asked her
She just ruffled her snout and shuffled her rump
but such undeniable mammalian kindness shone through her eyes
that I knew she was giving me the instructions
that I needed to hear
that I needed to obey
The last mile
of my homeward journey
was the hardest of the thousand by far
every step of the way
every sore fibre of my shame-drenched being
wanted to turn
and run
and hide
to turn
and run
and hide
I so feared his disappointment
I so feared his rejection
The only way I managed
to put one foot in front of the other
was to imagine the pig beside me
dispensing further counsel
don’t worry
she reassured me
he’s a truly loving father
and in true love
she whispered
there truly is no judgment
“How do you know such things?”
I asked her
i’m not just sausages
she replied
which made me smile despite myself
i’m an experienced mother, too
Oh, never again will I disrespect, or underestimate, the cloven-hoofed
When finally I saw
the family house
with its gentle plume of smoke spiralling from its familiar chimney
it brought back memories
of when I was a child
returning hungry home with my brothers
after a day’s adventures in the surrounding forest and streams and hills
And then the door of the house swung open
and there he was
as if he’d been waiting for me
all along
and the love emanating from his face and heart
even from a distance
brought me weeping to my knees
How could he still love me
in this wretched state
when I’d spent and lost
all that he had ever given me?
But the joy in his eyes when he approached me
and placed his palms around my upper arms
and raised me to my feet
and then
the way he embraced me
just as I was
(just as I am)
it was the purest love
I’ve ever known
And
in that instant
through dust-and-tear-stained eyes
held in my father’s forgiving arms
I knew
in my broken heart and aching bones
that I was finally
utterly
completely
home
Having blown the portion
of the family fortune
that my father so generously entrusted to me
and
with next to nothing to show for my carefree and
careless prodigality
I fell
even deeper
into a life of debt and
distraction and denial
sinking lower and lower
into a mire
entirely of my
own wounded making
unable to admit
to myself
let alone others
just how-damn-lost I was
unable to ask for help
as if asking for help is a
deep and shameful sin
until one morning
I woke
inside a hot and muddy pigsty of desperation and panic the chaos
of my failed dreams stuck like cold ashes
to my teeth and tongue and palate and gums
and yet
also
with a warm and generous old sow
nuzzling and grunting into my sun-burnt ear
tender sounds which in my madness
I somehow understood
loud and clear
return to your father you beautiful smelly broken human being she said
he misses you like crazy
“Are you sure?” I asked her
She just ruffled her snout and shuffled her rump
but such undeniable mammalian kindness shone through her eyes
that I knew she was giving me the instructions
that I needed to hear
that I needed to obey
The last mile
of my homeward journey
was the hardest of the thousand by far
every step of the way
every sore fibre of my shame-drenched being
wanted to turn
and run
and hide
to turn
and run
and hide
I so feared his disappointment
I so feared his rejection
The only way I managed
to put one foot in front of the other
was to imagine the pig beside me
dispensing further counsel
don’t worry
she reassured me
he’s a truly loving father
and in true love
she whispered
there truly is no judgment
“How do you know such things?”
I asked her
i’m not just sausages
she replied
which made me smile despite myself
i’m an experienced mother, too
Oh, never again will I disrespect, or underestimate, the cloven-hoofed
When finally I saw
the family house
with its gentle plume of smoke spiralling from its familiar chimney
it brought back memories
of when I was a child
returning hungry home with my brothers
after a day’s adventures in the surrounding forest and streams and hills
And then the door of the house swung open
and there he was
as if he’d been waiting for me
all along
and the love emanating from his face and heart
even from a distance
brought me weeping to my knees
How could he still love me
in this wretched state
when I’d spent and lost
all that he had ever given me?
But the joy in his eyes when he approached me
and placed his palms around my upper arms
and raised me to my feet
and then
the way he embraced me
just as I was
(just as I am)
it was the purest love
I’ve ever known
And
in that instant
through dust-and-tear-stained eyes
held in my father’s forgiving arms
I knew
in my broken heart and aching bones
that I was finally
utterly
completely
home
